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Monty Python and the Holy Grail - Three Questions
Evil Knievel: Hi, I'm Evil Knievel, and this is my good friend Chewbacca.
(Chewbacca growls with excitement.)
Evil Knievel: And we're here to rap with y'all teenage girls about a subject you might find a bit uncomfortable.
(Chewbacca growls again.)
Evil Knievel: That's right, Chewbacca. Sex. Or as I call it, "Poke and Run." Anyways, I bet of you foxes got a lot of questions about sex. Like, how do you know when a girl's ready have sex?
(Chewbacca growls once again, and Evil Knievel laughs.)
Evil Knievel: That's true, Chewbacca. But I can't say that on film. Anyways, let's take a look at a teenage girl who finds herself in a sticky situation.
(Chewbacca growls, and Evil Knievel laughs.)
Evil Knievel: You got a dirty mind, Chewbacca.
(A married couple, Carla and Maurice, are dancing the Hustle n their living room. Their daughter, Melanie, and her boyfriend, BJ, enter.)
Maurice: What's happening, Melanie?
Carla: Hey, hey, hey!
Melanie: Hey, Mom and Dad! What are you two doing?
Maurice: We're just learning how to do the Hustle.
We're going to Disco Night at Arthur Treacher's Fish & Chips.
Melanie: Dynomite, Mom and Dad!
Maurice: Hey, remember what we told you. Don't call us Mom and Dad, call us Carla and Maurice.
Melanie: Okay, Carla and Maurice.
Carla: There you go. Get with the times, it's 1977.
Melanie: Okay, well, me and my boyfriend, BJ, are going to go up to my bedroom to study for our biology test on the reproductive system.
Maurice: Out of sight. Have fun.
BJ: Far out!
(Melanie and BJ go upstairs, and Carla and Maurice begin to dance again. Melanie and BJ are sitting on Melanie's bed. Ellipses will indicate cuts in film between dialogue.)
Melanie: Okay, let's see how the reproductive system works. It says, right here, that when the penis...explodes...the vagina swims up and fights...the penis...the penis...fifteen-inches long...and shaped like a trumpet...punctured...mutates...expands...and dies.
BJ: All this sex talk is getting me hot. Let's get it on.
(BJ closes the biology book and begins to get physical with Melanie. Melanie pushes him off.)
Melanie: BJ! Did I not tell you that I'm not like that girl? The one who gives it all away.
BJ: Yeah, but I just want to...
(BJ begins to get physical with Melanie again, but she pushes him away.)
Melanie: Stop! BJ! Did you think that I was gonna give it up to you? I'm not in love with you, and I'm not gonna make it with you or anyone else.
(Cut to BJ making out with Melanie. She tries to resist. Carla dn Maurice enter.)
Maurice: What the Mork and Mindy is going on in here?
Melanie: Oh, Dad! BJ's trying to pressure me into having sex with him, and I said no because I wanna wait until I'm married.
Carla: Oh, Melanie.
Maurice: We are so disappointed in you.
Melanie: What do you mean? I thought you'd be proud of me.
Maurice: Are you kidding? Your mother and I waited until our wedding night to make love, and it was the biggest mistake of our lives.
Carla: We don't want you to go down that same path.
Maurice: Making love is a wonderful thing that you should share...
Carla: ...with multiple partners and cocaine, as your father and I are figuring out.
BJ: What about condoms?
Maurice: Oh, please! Bith control is a woman's responsibility. Besides, putting a condom on is like wearing a rain coat in the shower. What's the point?
Melanie: Wow! I'm so glad my parents set me straight. Now, if you don't mind, BJ and I need to get busy.
Maurice: If by getting busy, you mean my underage daughter is gonna shatter her hyman like the Death Star of Star Wars; I'm all for it.
(Carla and Maurice exit, leaving Melanie and BJ to hae sex. We rejoin Evil Knievel and Chewbacca, once again against a psychadelic backdrop.)
Evil Knievel: Well, what did you think, Chewbacca?
(Chewbacca growls, nods, and gives the thumbs up.)
Evil Knievel: Me too. Anyways, girls, if you don't want to listen to your parents, take it from your good friends, Evil Knievel and Chewbacca; it's always the right time to make love.