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Language: English (Intermediate)
Category: Comedy
Views: 233
Transcripts: 1
Rating:
none
Tags: Mad TV Depressed Persian Tow Truck Man Comedy Funny Ass Bitch Fat
GUY: Thanks so much for coming out this late and towing my car.
TTM: No problem.
GUY: Yeah, I'm up the road, about a mile or so. Past the light, where the Dunkin Donuts is. God, this has just been the worst day. I went to lunch this afternoon and I lost my wallet somewhere. And now, on my way home, my car overheats.
SINGERS: If you are blue, if you are sad, if you're depressed, upset, or unbelievably mad, You'll get a lift after talking with the Depressed Persian Tow Truck Man.
GUY: So, anyway, how are you doing tonight?
TTM: If I had the day you just described, it would be paradise. My day, how you say, hella...it sucked!
GUY: Long day, huh?
TTM: From 6 in the morning to 12 at night I work all night, towing cars, always. In my home country, I was governor of Helllahellaahh! Now I drive all night, always, and I pick up, how you say, hella...a-holes. Always, a-holes, all day, from 6 in the morning to 12 at night, 18 hours a day, six days a week, always. No overtime, no nothing, always, always!
GUY: Why don't you quit?
TTM: I have 10 kids! 10 kids! And my wife, she does not work. And she is big from the kids too! Not tall, out! And she is mean, and I scared of her! I have to sleep with one eye open, and one foot on the door, and one hand on her...you know. She is like, how you say, hella, Sasquatch.
GUY: With 10 kids, no wonder. My wife and I, we have a little boy ourself.
TTM: I have 9 boys. 9 boys and only 1 girl.
GUY: You wish you had more girls?
TTM: No. Girls are bad. Always, bad. Always. And my girl is big, like the mother. Very big, and disrespectful too. She says to me "Papa, you stupid." "Papa, you ugly." "Papa, you smell like a pool of fresh urine."
GUY: At least you have your boys, huh?
TTM: They are bad too. Always. Fighting like monkeys with dirty monkey paws. Hella, hella, hella! They grab at me and say "Papa, where is the candy! Papa, where is the candy?" If I do not show up in my house with a Almond Joy in one hand and a 3 Musketeers in the other and a Twix on top of my head, they beat me with sticks! And they are like, how you say, eh, the LAPD.
GUY: That is awful! How old are they?
TTM: 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, and 29.
GUY: Wow, that's a pretty big gap between those last two there, huh?
TTM: My wife, Shandala the Sasquatch, she run away from me and disappear for...19 years. I finally track her down in Dallas, TX where she is having sex with a man name Earl. And I get so angry, I run over and cut off his, how you say, the area down in the-
GUY: You cut off his penis?
TTM: No, I gut off the sac that holds the hellahellalala! He never has sex with my wife again! Always and never and always. Never he will do that again. He get me so upset, I get sick. I sick right now from the stress, they'res so much stress from the...always. Always!
GUY: Do you have a problem with your stomach there or something?
TTM: You tell me, cowboy! I cough, I bleed, I sneeze, I bleed, I laugh during a Julia Robert's film. I bleed. It's bad. Always bad. You tell me about bad? It's bad! Always!
GUY: Have you seen a doctor, I mean-
TTM: I have no money! Do you not listen always? I have 10 kids, I work 18 hours days, the girl is disrespectful, the boys are monkeys that grab at me for candy. My wife is a Sasquatch, I cut off the hellahellalala. I cough, I bleed, I wave to the president, I bleed. It's bad. Always bad. It's bad, always. Bad fades to black, I wake up, I wish I was dead, and I'm alive and it's always bad.
GUY: Well, that's my house. My house is right up there.
TTM: Okay.
GUY: Listen, you know. I feel kind of stupid complaining about my day.
TTM: Yeah, heh.
GUY: Hey, listen. Best of luck to you, and thanks, really.
TTM: You're welcome. I wish I was dead, always!
SINGERS: If you are blue, if you are sad, if you're depressed, upset, or unbelievably mad, you'll get a lift when you're talking with the Depressed Persian Tow Truck Man!
TTM: Now I got the flat!