Tags: ellen degeneres here and now stand up comedy

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by the end of the news aren't they?
/ ??? / when they start talkin' with the weather man
you've noticed "@#!" it's everywhere
they they go to some fantasyland when they start talkin' with the weather man
and now let's go to Johnny with the weather
Johnny when you gonna stop this rain and bring us some sunshine?
I'll stop the rain when you stop the carjackings, Collin!

the weather is actually the happiest part of the news
because in some point you gonna hear something positive
you gonna hear "it's a beautiful day or it's gonna be a beautiful day"
and it's nice to taken something positive, ya know
because we hear all this negative stuff all the time
and we go out onto the world that so chaotic and
and were if gonna notice if it's a beautiful day
we're movin' too fast to even pay attention to that

and we have, we--we need help to--keep up with that pace
so we put a coffee shop here, and there's a coffe shop here,
and a coffee shop here, and a coffee shop here
and the smallest coffee is a toll and...
i'll--i'll have a coffee and a side of redbull!
'coz i'm very very busy!

have got tvd/??? and i'm late for yoga! hurry! hurry!
they were tryin' to even do yoga is a joke, isn't it?
i mean we're basically were paying for silence
that's what we're doin' with that time, were paying for silence

i was in yoga the other day and...
i'm in full lotus position and my chakras were all aligned
then mind is all cleared of all clatter and i'm looking out of my third eye
and everything i'm suppose to be doin'

it's amazing what comes up--when you sit in that silence

"Mama keeps whites bright light the sunlight"
"Mama's got the magic of Clorox 2"

can't stop that song!
there is no silence, there's just constant noise all the time
and people are talkin' all the time and
even without the talkin' there's no communication <--not so sure with this line
we're not--when we even we say "how are you?"
we don't mean how are you, we don't care
just give us a fine or a good one syllable answer and move along...
and don't even say "pretty good" that's a follow-up question
pretty good somethin' happen, i don't have the time

but--we learn were condition not to engage in full conversation, ya know
because as soon as you start to talk,
there's somebody somebody's cellphone gonna off immediately
"hahahaha, she sounded more like a real cellphone ^^"

Thank God! Have they got rid of those obnoxious rings.. huh!

and we certainly don't have full convesation on cellphones, ya know
usually the reception is so bad, but it's only about on your side
the person talkin' to you has no clue
they're just rambling on and on, you got you finger jammed in your ear
??? people on the street you dock behind the dumpster
so you can hear about your friend's new haircut
"what about the bangs! are they shorter?"
"are the bangs! shorter?"
"the bangs!"

at least if there's static or something #@#! you have a warning
you have an indication you gonna loose the call, ya know
it's actually there's nothing worst than being crystal clear reception
and you been rambling on, for who knows how long
only to find out that it cut-out who knows how long ago
you get--then you learn, you scared to ever have a full conversation
never again stop yourself in between
hey, so we're we gonna go in the tea shop "hello", "alright"
and so we knew we were havin' white white "still there?", "alright"
and i thought what kind of cheese would be best? "???", "alright"
and i like monster

even you're on the phone at home
you gonna be interrupted by something' by call waiting usually
which was invented as a convenience
but it's really turned into a many people's choice award, hasn't it?
and you find out right away who win's or losses
you're having a pleasant conversation with what you think is a good friend
you hear the click, they tell you "hold on",
you're confident they gonna come back to you
and then they come back and they'll say "i've gotta take this other call"
you know that means, they just said to the other person?
"let me get rid of this other call"

that's what you just became, you don't have to get the call wait
you can let it go to voice mail
that's why we have voice mail to catch those calls that we missed
the voice mail that i like the best is the one, when were you insert name
into it and then you ended up sounding more like a robot "ben the robot"
"your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system
ELLEN is not available"
is that how i say my name?
"ya, hi! i'd like to make reservations for dinner their's four of us and the name is ELLEN" oh

with this wireless technology, we can talk to anybody, anywhere, anytime
and we just take that for granted, ya know
it wasn't that long ago that we had one phone in a house
cord was just being invented back then
there was a shortage of cord
maybe you had a foot or two from the wall to the phone
back then when you said you're on the phone you were on the phone
then the kitchen wall-phone came along
kinda of an avocado or a mustard green usually that a groovy color
there was a lot of cord, there was that 90-foot cord between never see
you could just walk all over the house suckin' on the phone
clearing table, wrapping around the dog
so by the time you hung-up that phone
it just became as giant ball of cord confusion right there
but, what was fun is every so often you'll hold that cord
and let the phone spin and find itself and back again

good times ^^

we're loosing this simple pleasures we don't have that anymore
now, we have hands-free phones
so you can focus on the thing you really suppose to be doing
ya know, chances are if you need both of your hands to do something
your brain should be in on it too.

it's me

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