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Please undersatnd we just want what is best for your son. The reincarnation of L.Ron Hubbard must be taken care of. He had many enemies. Wasn`t L. Ron Hubbard a science fiction writer. Yes, but he was also a prophet who knew the secret truth about the nature of life. This is just too much. We want to reveal to Stan the great secret of life behind our church - the safely guarded Scientology doctrine. Please, your son deserves to be enlightened. Stan, do you want to hear the great secret of life behind Scientology? Sure. Alright. Go ahead! Tell him! Would you excuse us, please? This is highly classified chuch information. Oh rats! Usually to hear the secret doctrine you have to be in chuch for several years Stan. Are you ready to hear the truth? Er, I guess. You see Stan, there is a reason for people feeling sad and depressed. An alien reason. It all began 75 million years ago. Back then there was a galactic federation of planets which was ruled over by the evil lord Xenu. Xenu thought his galaxy was overpopulated and so he rounded up countless aliens from all different planets and he had those aliens frozen. The frozen alien bodies were loaded on the Xenu`s galactic cruisers which looked like DC-8s, except of rocket engines. The cruisers then took the frozen alien bodies to our planet - Earth and dumbed them into the volcanoes of Hawai. The aliens were no longer frozen. They were dead. The souls of those aliens however lived on and all floated up towards the sky but the evil lord Xenu had prepared for this. Xenu didn`t want their souls to return and so he built giant soul-catchers in the sky. The souls were taken to a huge soul brainwashining facility which Xenu had also built on Earth. There the souls were forced to watch daze of brainwashing material which tricked them into believing in false reality. Xenu then released the alien souls which wronged the Earth aimlessly in the fog of confusion. At the dawn of man the souls finally found bodies which they could grab onto. They attached themselves to all mankind which still to this day causes all our fears, our confusions and our problems. L. Ron Hubbard did an amazing thing telling the world this incredible truth. Now all we are asking you to do is pick up where he left off. But I don`t know any other stuff. Neither did L. Ron when he started. He said he just closed his eyes and wrote down whatever came to mind. You can do the same. Just let it flow. Ok. I`ll try. I just wish I could write in my room and Tom Cruise would come out of closet. I know. We`ve sent Nicole Kidman up there to see if she can help. Tom! Tom, it`s Nicole. Hi Nicole. Tom, don`t you think this`s gone long enough. It`s time for you to come out of the closet. I`m not, I`m not in the closet. Yes, you are Tom! And we need you to just end this and come out. I`m not gonna think any differently of you. Kyle is not gonna think any differently of you. You don`t need to be in that closet any more Tom. I`m not in here though. Yes, you are! I`m not. I`m not in the closet. Then how I`m talking to you Tom? Tom, you can`t hide forever just because the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard doesn`t like your acting. Come out of the closet Tom. You`re not fooling anyone. But I`m not, I`m not in here.

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