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Language: English (Beginner)
Category: Comedy
Views: 753
Transcripts: 2
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Tags: ellen degeneres here and now standup stand up comedy
Very funny. Well transcribed. Thanks, angelito.
There are two lines you said you didn't get. The first one sounds like:
'cause that's all our attention span can take. 'cause our attention spans are shot.
I am lost at the second line too. Maybe someone else can help us there.
By angelito:
ellen:
so, we went to lunch and
we were talkin' about procrastination
and the waitress over heard us
and she said "i have a problem with procrastination too"
i said "really? give my sandwich and"
audience: laughing
ellen:
so...
but that's what it hit me
that's what should i talked about "procrastination"
that's a problem everybody has that's universal procrastination
and then i said "who i kiddin'? i'm never get around to writin' 'bout procrastination"
and so my friend said "that's why i brought this video tape,
if you wants this guy, he keeps you focused, he keeps you on track,
you'll never procrastinate again"
so...
'bout a week later i pop-in the tape
i find, if you don't press play right away
sam's on tv... all the time
we have 700 hundred channels now!
when did this happen?
when i was a kid, we have 5 channels
we didn't have remote
you had to hate somethin' bad enough
to get up and walk that 5 feet to change the channel
/???/ of those horses are so much louder when they run
was a simpler time back then
ya know, we were so easily entertained
we would watch anything
we watched a flying nun
we watched a talking horse
we are so much more sophisticated now
watching people eat bugs and
marry's strangers for money
audience: applausing
oh, we've come a long way haven't we?
it's enough to make you miss may berry isn't it?
oh, that was a great show, men!
the face on that show
nothin' ever happen on that show
when there's time for whistling
there's a lot of time on a show
everything was different
it was just slower and longer
commercials were 6 minutes long
tellin' us how delicious cigarettes and alcohol were
men, those people were happy smokin' and drinkin' aren't they?
people are still happy in commercial
but now they're concentrated in 30 seconds
they have to be happy in 30 seconds
and there's some happy people too
that, that woman on a shampoo commercial
she's happy! she's too happy
i fell for though i bought the shampoo like
i gotta tell ya, i was shampooing for good
half hour and i never got that happy, I
finally, i just had to fake it
ya know, 'coz
how to get out the shower
it's amazing 30 seconds and we get invested
in those characters on the commercial
ya know, that old man who can eat corn on the cup again
i'm happy for him
he couldn't eaten for a while
now he can
that woman on jury duty
"gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now"
"gotta go, gotta go, gotta go"
she gotta go
and the judge don't understand
[sigh] such a relief by the end of that commercial
ellen: sing "i don't have to go right now, ah"
fantastic! lady
those jingles are catchy
we retain that in 30 seconds, we remember all the stuff
ya know, because of the repetition
i believe that someday's sitcom will be 30 seconds long
'coz that's all we'd need
/ i dont get the line from here /
attention deficit disorder, A.D.D. or O.C.D.
do you wanna these disorders with 3 letters
'coz we don't have the time in patience to pronounce the entire disorder
that should be disorder right there T.V.D.!
T.V.D. disorder!
what's with the sudden choice of disorders that we've got now
ya know, when i was a kid we just had crazy people, that's all!
just crazy people!
all the commercials on television now are for anti-depressants
for prozac, or paxil and it get you right away
are you sad?
do get stressed?
do you have anxiety?
"yes, yes i have all those things, i'm alive!"
i don't wanna take a pill
go to africa, go follow some bushman around
he's gettin' chase by a lion, that's stressed
/ i don't get the line from here /
so, i watched the news the other day
brought to you by paxil
will now i need it
smart advertising
that's not the thing
until i was a kid the news on once a day
either caught it or missed it
now the news' on 24 hours a day
and does not enough
they gotta guy talkin'
and then there's a crawl down there
see, that guy talkin'?
you got the crawl goin'
you're online, your puttin' your opinion on your poll
"no!" "i said to that, no!"
i said "no! too, that's right!"
and then if you stop payin' attention that crawl
you go back that /???/ for minute and you back to the crawl
/???/
madonna's left foot, what about left foot, what happend!
waitin' for to come back around again
goes to commercial
"are you sad?"
"do you get stressed?"
there just be one crawl, that goes around over and over again
things were gettin' worst, that's all we need
and a local news,
men! they want ya to watch every broadcast they've got
don't they?
it's not good enough if watching when you wanted it
these teases to get you watch later on
they'll so incridibly cruel, it could be the most deadly thing in the world
then you maybe having it for dinner
will tell you what'll is tonight at eleven.
is it peas?
i feel sorry for the news casters
ya know, we can turn it off
but, that's their job and they have to read these stories
near just comin' up on the tele-prompt
but they don't know what's comin' up
and they've gotta go this range of emotion that
"there were no survivors"
and next, which candy bar helps you loose weight!
still to come, is an asteriod headed towards earth!
but first where to find the cheeseist pizza in town!
also a disturbing new study finds that studies are disturbing :)